Monday, January 13, 2014

365: a very long road home.












I am full of holes.  But I didn't realize how many until i began this 365.

Over the years, I've made volumes of things I have hated.  And trashed many beautiful things.  But taking photos every day for one whole year cracked me wide open.  Quickly, I realized I had to keep the mistakes.  I had no choice but to keep shooting.  There were simply no days to hide.

Many, many days I was disappointed. 

But the rhythm took over.  The daily song held me accountable.

I started to see the real need for our memories to be etched somewhere besides my own heart.  The daily grind of motherhood easily wore away the slivers.  The bits of life so tiny they went down the drain -- yet so lovely I wanted to hang them on the wall.  I began to catch those moments here.

As I did, I realized how important is was to write our story.  One picture at a time.  It grew.  Often lopsided and ugly.  And some days a photo never materialized.  But that was OK because the next day i could create two.  My project became a huge wobbling bloom.  Until it burst into a love letter.  I stood there with tears in my eyes realizing it was glorious.  Not because of technique or execution, but because it was for my children.  My children's children.  My husband.  And myself.  A living memoir.  Glorious because of its heart.  And intention.

So I started to let go.  Of the rules.  Of the fear of making the wrong things.  Instead, I just made pictures.  Everyday.  I didn't share them all.  Many were just for me.  But I came to see erasing the ugly ones did no good.  They were often the best seeds.  I leaned on friends.  Any journey that takes a year to finish requires loyal, honest, loving friends.  I leaned on them often.  And I made a book.  One for each of my children.  A storybook of a year of our lives.  With the images that echoed the memories I wanted to hear until I could hear no more.

I've got miles to go as an artist.  But this is the first year I have realized the importance of seeing with my eyes closed.  Putting the lens directly against my heart - and letting it thump the shutter open and closed.  Here I am one January later, feeling a bit naked without the rhythm of my 365.  But so grateful it's changed my life.  And the fluidity in which I am making things - a new path has been carved.  I am moving forward.  And making without fear.






14 comments:

  1. annnnnnnnd I'm going to need a copy of this you realize.

    AMAZING.

    YOU INSPIRE, as ALWAYS.

    XOXOXO

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    1. and you Sarah are one of my greatest champions!!!!! I love you!

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  2. I am attempting to do a 365 project now, but already on day 13 I find myself cheating and worried more about what I am posting for other people than what I am taking for myself.

    It feels self-indulgent sharing photos of every day of my not very interesting life... especially when I compare my daily images to projects like yours. I find myself thinking, maybe when my kid(s) are older they will lead more photogenic lives... but that is just an excuse. That and my fear of turning my kid in to a camera hater... like so many other photographers' kids. I fear putting my camera between us everyday will make him resentful and make me miss out on living in the moment... worried more about documenting than living.

    But reading your words is inspiring. And helpful as I just start this painful journey. Thank you for sharing. I really enjoy your words and your photographs.

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    1. paige, thank you for sharing this. and your honesty. i really, REALLY hear you. i am sorry to hear you are struggling. i struggled many times this year too. but remember, there is no need to post a photo everyday... personal projects are *personal*… for you! share only what feels right and what makes sense. my life is certainly no more interesting or beautiful than yours or anyone else's! these are my very favorite photos of 365 - a highly selective batch of my favorites. we had PLENTY of ugly and uninteresting moments. and follow your gut - if your children need a break from the lens and your eyes only, don't hesitate. find someone or something else to document that day. i wish you tons of luck on your journey!

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  3. Thank you. I needed to read this tonight

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  4. Just what I needed to read as I'm starting a 365 day project for my family. Thank you. So beautiful.

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  5. reading again. and I will again and again. i'm so sad, in a sense, that it's over. trying to remember that this is just the beginning.

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  6. Wow. The pictures are impeccable. I love Grandma's hand with the little one the best.
    Your life is beautiful.

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  7. I don't know if I am more inspired by your words, your images, or your approach to parenting. All are breathtakingly beautiful. Thank you for sharing your art and your world with us.

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  8. Wow. Your pictures are beautiful but I found your words inspirational. Thank you.

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  9. This is so beautiful. So beautiful. I feel the same way about my daily project, but I do need to be more forgiving of the mistakes.

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  10. Beautiful. I attempted a 365 and fell flat on my face about 3 days in. One of these days I will do it though!

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  11. This moved me to tears. Thank you Roxanne. I started my first 365 this year and have already had many of these same struggles. Thank you for making me realize that mistakes can be good things and that it's okay to shoot just for me, from my heart. I hope that by the end of this I can see my own path more clearly too.

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