The morning began with a shove - long legs burrowing, feet trampling warm sheets like ice in my cocoon. Can I read to you? I blink back yellow light as she opens a huge book, no pictures, and words fall on my ears. A string of monotone in that raspy voice, the same it’s been since she first demanded MILK! Only now it’s streaming vowels and consonants, moving, mixing, shuffling sounds to match the letters on the page. Back, back, back to sleep, until she needed me again to sound out concoctions of PH’s or OUGH’s that still elude her growing bank.
How did this happen? A little girl with a fat book in her lap? Baby layers are all around her - peels on the floor. Forever, it seemed the only moment Jane would pile in my lap was to hear a story. Now this. QUIET. Words rounding and rising under her breath. She doesn’t need me. I want to shed tears, this milestone feels too big, but see the wonder in her eyes, delight in her voice. As we drive through town, "Mommy does that say SHAW’S? BAKERY? Hmm, I knew it.” Soft triumph, her feathers puff. She’s strutting. And singing proudly into the morning light.
being a mama is filled with so many raw conflicting emotions - pride and grief. we are so so proud of these moments that we witness... yet it makes us reflect and miss the moments that passed before. i love seeing jane with this big beautiful book and can hear her voice in my head. i can see you laying there with your big beautiful eyes...extra bright and glossy b.c of the tears you are trying to hide from her....tears of both joy and pain. thank you for always reminding us to live in the moment - embrace the quiet and the noise. and huge congrats to jane....
ReplyDeletebeautiful, frame and phonics. my only rebuttal--she'll always need you...you are her mom...
ReplyDeleteYour photo and text is so poetic and beautiful. Emma wanted to watch home movies last weekend so we pulled some out from when she was four years old. Wow, the contrast was so stark between then and now -- I still love Emma to death of course, but oh my gosh she was simple the cutest, most adorable and articulate four year old ever. So, I can relate completely to these thoughts. You are so incredibly talented too! I so wish I had some of your photos of Emma and I together when she was 4! Might have to book a session, now anyway -- even though we are both less cute these days.
ReplyDelete@Beth Holmes, thank you for your comments. There is something very special about a this age, I completely agree. Five year olds are so eager and earnest. And - I would love to photograph you and Emma... forget about being less cute, both of you are perfect as you are!
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